Okay, if [...]]]> Punxsutawney Phil, that inimitable little furry weather forecaster, is going to be texting his prediction this year! If you want to find out whether Phil predicts an early spring or six more weeks of winter you can text “Groundhog” to 247365. You’ll get a text message with the prediction on Feb. 2.

Okay, if this isn’t the sort of thing the Internet was invented for, I don’t know what is. I signed up. Will you?

Turn your speakers up to really feel the joy of this, uh, thing.

…Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces pretty and titilating challenges like never before. Our economy is exciting. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for wives. Our [...]]]> Friday fun and games: generate your very own inauguration speech here. Here’s part of mine:

…Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake – America faces pretty and titilating challenges like never before. Our economy is exciting. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for wives. Our healthcare system is sad. If your arms is sick and you don’t have insurance, you might as well call a librarian. And America’s image overseas is tarnished like a pot book. But run together we can right this ship, and set a course for Sacramento.