Since Chuck’s cancer fight, we have given thought to stuff that, well, most of us don’t like to think about – like what to do with our, uh, earthly remains once we’ve shuffled off our mortal coils. We have discussed this from time to time, and were agreed that cremation was the green thing and what we both preferred. A couple of weeks ago Chuck got a pice of junk mail from a company called Smart Cremation that he decided for no good reason to open – versus shred which is what he most commonly does with these macabre reminders that he’s not as young as he used to be (I have a sneaking suspicion that we are on these mailing lists because we belong to AARP). Anyway, after reading their blurb, he called their 800 number and set up a call back time. They asked for some basic info (how are you feeling today? got any fatal diseases? ha ha!), which he supplied. A day or so later, a very nice fellow appeared at our front door. “Hello,” he said, “I’m with Smart Cremation and I just wanted to come and introduce myself as I live in the area and will be your representative.” Holy crap! These people don’t mess around! Also in weird way it was kind of Jehovah’s Witness-ish. Whatever.

So a day or so later he shows up to explain the process. I know, you’re thinking what process? Shake and bake, baby! Turns out there was a bit more to it than that. First he had to show up the cost of funerals (not really necessary since we both already had ruled that option out). We were properly stunned (even a cut-rate funeral is going to set you back about $7,000-$8,000!!). Okay, so moving along, the Smart Cremation people have a pretty nice setup where you can prepay (in easy monthly payments, assuming you’re still alive) and the total cost is quite reasonable compared to, say, Forest Lawn. And you can sign up online! They handle transportation costs (should you bite the big one away from home) and that includes overseas as well as domestic (they cremate your remains overseas then ship your ashes home). Cremation, we learned, is a growth business! They even include a bamboo (a renewable resource!) container for the ashes when the time comes. So we signed up ($3300 for the two of us – a pretty fair price, IMHO).

Our sales guy told us we’d be getting packers of information (including their “Smart Guidebook: A Tool for Loved Ones Left Behind”). Fast forward a couple of weeks and we get two boxes in the mail. We open them up and find the information packets we expected and – get this!!! – the bamboo containers for our ashes!! We were both too creeped out to touch them. I had opened mine so had to repack it but Chuck refused to even open his box. How twisted is that? I mean, people, really?!? The box for our ashes?? After a few moments of stunned silence, we both said, “These things CANNOT stay in the house OR the garage!” I mean the karma of it all! So we took them to our storage container and buried them in a far corner and we are going to try very hard to forget we ever saw them.

The moral of the story (if there is one): while estate planning is very important, watch out for the cremation folks – they really want your business, seemingly long before we want to give it to them!